From the following list, please click on the article that you are interested in:

1. Secrets to Understand the Opposite Gender
2. What Guys Really Want
3. 3-Part Magic Formula for Relationship Success
4. Relationship Red Flags
5. 10 Principles To Find The Love Of Your Life
6. Relationship Readiness Quiz for Singles
7. Online dating – the good, the bad and the ugly
8. Dating Tips for Men (from a LDS single woman's perspective)
9. Avoiding Toxic Traps In Dating Relationships

Note: Following articles are from non-LDS commercial sites:

9.  What to look for in a mate
10. How to ask someone out on a date
11. Dating Rules
12.Top 10 Dating Tips
13.General dating rules for men
14.Become more confident (for men)
15.Bare essentials for dating (for men)
16.Finesse in asking a girl out
17.Find Mr. Right
18.What men want in modern relationships
19.End a bad date
20.Get over being dumped
21.Learn to handle rejection
22.Choosing the right person from the dating scene
23.Safe Online Dating Tips
24.Happiness: 3 Amazing tips from the world's oldest case study
 

Following articles are primarily written for marriage couples. However, they are very helpful references for preparing for a future marriage or for evaluating a relationship if you are currently in one. Please click on the article that you are interested in:

1. The universal love laws
2. Six secrets to staying in love
3. Is there enough love and respect in your relationship?
4. Solving couple conflicts
5. How well do you know your partner?
6.101 Relationship Tips
7.Happiness: 3 Amazing tips from the world's oldest case study
 

Following are articles that have been written for singles in the Church's magazines that provide great wisdom and insights. Please click on the article that you are interested in reading:

Secrets to Understand the Opposite Gender

Let's take a look at how men and women interact and learn how we can get along even better. Researchers have found that men and women are naturally "wired" different and that's what can cause so much confusion and frustration between the two genders. The truth is, we are equal but we can never be the same, nor should we strive to be. Consequently, it is critical that we recognize and understand just what those innate differences are - and then learn how to use those differences to work together as an even stronger partnership. The differences that can cause so many misunderstandings today had meaning and a purpose back in the early caveman days. Read on to see what researchers have discovered.

MEN WERE THE HUNTERS. Their role was to track down and kill to provide for and to protect their family. They learned to focus on one thing at a time. They learned how to block out everything else around them to successfully track their prey and kill it. This was important. This was needed to survive. Man protected woman. TODAY, men still focus on one thing at a time and block out everything in the parameter. They don't multi-task like women. That is why if you try to talk to a man while he is watching TV or reading...you might as well forget it. They can't do it. They naturally block you out. If you want his full attention, then make sure you have eye to eye contact first, and you'll have his attention.

WOMEN WERE GATHERERS. Their role was to explore, touch, see all around them and gather information, food, their children and other necessities. They were to keep their eyes open to everything around them at once and to be constantly exploring their environment. They were not focused on one goal and multi-tasking was part of their importance and value. The cave belonged to the women. TODAY, women are still the multi- taskers. They juggle home, children, husbands, community, work, etc.

WHERE THE DIFFERENCES CAUSE TROUBLE. Take a man and a woman shopping in a store. The woman wants to touch, feel, explore all the beautiful clothing not really have a goal in mind. The man, in contrast, has a single focused goal in mind and wants to go in, buy it, and get out. The woman is frustrated because the man doesn't see the fun in touching, feeling, trying on and seeing various outfits on his wife. The man is frustrated because he sees no value in doing anything but buying the first thing that fits the requirement of the desired goal and getting out as quickly as possible. The man has "gotten his prey" and sees no reason to stay in the jungle. Are you having any "Ah ha!" moments yet? Read on to learn more.

COMMUNICATION DIFFERENCES: Men communicate to report; gather information, establish their status, solve problems, negotiate and show independence. Women communicate for rapport; create relationships, encourage interactions and exchange feelings. On average, a man speaks 7,000/words per day while a woman speaks 21,000/words per day!

WOMEN UNDER STRESS want to talk about their issues in length before they solve the problem. Women need to vent. Men hear this as whining and complaining. Women just want someone to listen and empathize first while a man can't imagine why a woman would even talk about an issue if she doesn't want a solution immediately. 95% of all women will contact another woman to vent because when we vent to a man, he immediately tries to solve the problem (one of the reasons why men communicate). Men get ticked off when we don't listen to their immediate solution and women get ticked off because we just wanted a listening ear. SOLUTION: women tell your man that you have something to tell him but you just want him to listen and empathize and not try to fix the problem. This let's your man off the hook in trying to find a solution and you get the listening ear that you need.

MEN UNDER STRESS need to have some quiet "cave time" (which could be watching TV, computer time, reading the paper, etc) to process his thoughts on his own before he is ready to talk about it. When your man comes home from a stressful day at work, instead of immediately asking him numerous questions about his day (women communicate to connect and share feelings...but he's not ready for it), just give him a hug and tell him it's nice to see him. Let him have some quiet down time for a while before you engage him in any kind of lengthy conversation. He'll love you for this and you won't be offended for him not wanting to get immediately into a lengthy conversation with you. He just needs some "cave time" first.

So next time you get frustrated and are thinking "what is wrong with him/her?!!!" Think again and try to respect the way we are "wired". Men and women are equal. We're just different...and that's a beautiful thing.

What Guys Really Want

What do guys really want? This is the question most women ask themselves from time to time in any relationship. After interviewing and working with a wide variety of men and couples, it became very clear that men have some deeper wants and needs that they don’t always share with their female counterparts. So in the interest of greater relationships everywhere, listen up ladies. Here’s a list of what guys really want from the women in their lives.

1. Your man wants you to tell him what you want. Of course, sharing what you really want with them doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it. But it sure increases the odds. Plus it eliminates the need for them to make dubious assumptions, make crazy guesses or try to read your mind. For starters men want you to tell them how and when you prefer to be touched, how you want to be comforted when you’re feeling low and what you really want on your birthday. Share what you want as a request, not a demand, and it will be happily received.

2. When your man is grumpy, sullen or withdrawn, he wants you to understand that it’s probably not about you. Guys have their ups and downs just like women do. Often they’re not even conscious of what’s going on. They just know something’s not quite right, and they tend to pull back. From your perspective, it may be easy to think they are mad at you or dissatisfied with the relationship, when frequently it’s just that they’re not at peace with themselves, which brings us to . . .

3. Men sometimes want time alone. Don’t take their desire for solitude personally. Occasionally they just want some down time to “be,” to consider their own wants and needs, to reconnect with who they really are, and not get you mixed up in it, so they can come back and offer you the best of who they are.

4. Just listen when they dream out loud. Sometimes guys like to share their dreams out loud. When they do they are not asking for your approval, feedback, opinion on how realistic they are or strategies for achieving them. They’re merely having fun envisioning future possibilities that they may or may not intend to actually have happen.

5. If you’re mad about something, put it out straight. If your guy does something and you react with anger, they would appreciate it if you’d share your displeasure then and there. It might not be very pleasant, but it’s a heck of a lot better for them than being blindsided by pent up resentment that leaks out days or months after the original event occurred.

6. Be gentle with your language. Frequently teasing, clever banter and wisecracks directed towards your man or toward the male sex in general are actually thinly disguised criticism and disapproval. This kind of behavior tears at the fabric of their connection, and when they on the receiving end, it hurts more than they’re typically willing to let on.

7. They like to be acknowledged. Let your guy know when they’ve done something for which you are grateful. A simple, sincere “thank you” can foster a stronger connection between you as well as increase their desire to keep doing that appreciated action or way of being.

8. Men want you to love them as they are. Guys are not here to live up to your expectations. They’re not projects or fixer-uppers. They are what they are. Having said that . . .

9. They want you to help them remember who they are when they forget. As members of the human race, men sometimes forget who they really are and what they’re doing here. At times like these they yearn for you to nudge them in the right direction. They may resist at first, but when you compassionately remind them of their strengths, their personal power and the gifts they have to offer the world, they’ll ultimately be deeply grateful for your love and support.

10. Fully commit to the relationship. I know ladies….you’re surprised at this one. Men are supposed to be the ones with commitment issues. But when a man is assured that you’re in all the way, the space is opened for him to join you. And when that happens, there’s no more looking around for someone better, no more “should I stay or should I go,” no more exit strategies. You’re both on firm ground and can relax and enjoy it.

When all is said and done, men are just guys . . . with hearts and minds and spirits like ours. Wanting to connect, wanting to love and be loved, wanting to express their tenderness toward you . . . but sometimes just aren’t quite sure how.

This article was provided by Val Baldwin, CPC, a professional speaker, TV personality, author and certified relationship coach. For more information, please visit her website at www.valbaldwin.com.

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3-Part Magic Formula for Relationship Success

Singles looking for their soulmates continually ask me “how do you know when you’ve met the right person”? “Why do some relationships work and others don’t”? It is for all you searching singles that I have created my 3-part formula for relationship success. Follow this formula and you will have the clarity you need to choose the right person the first time and final time.

To truly have the relationship of your dreams, you need 3 critical elements. It’s crucial that you have all 3 to truly have a fulfilling, passionate, joyful, forever relationship that every person desires and deserves. No matter how much you love someone or how hard you work on the relationship, if there is even one element of this formula missing, the relationship will not work. It’s that simple. It doesn’t mean one of you is good and the other is bad, it just means you are simply not a match. Don’t waste your time, or your potential partners time trying to fix a relationship that simply isn’t right for either of you. Move on.

One of the most powerful and true quotes I have ever heard is by H. Jackson Brown Jr. He said: “Once you make a partner choice, you can’t change who your partner is, so you want to choose your mate carefully, from this one decision will come 90% of your happiness or misery.”

The key to true relationship happiness is to NEVER SETTLE for anything less than this 3-part formula.

1.PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY: It’s the high, the rush, the euphoria you feel when you are physical with your partner. From a simple, tender first kiss to passionate lovemaking. It’s almost indescribable, yet you know it when you feel it and there is no mistaking it for something else. Two people either have it or they don’t. You can’t “will” physical chemistry into being.

Warning: strong physical chemistry can disillusion people in thinking they have found Mr. or Miss Right. Remember to balance your hormones with your head and know you still need the other 2 elements of the formula for a lasting relationship.

Also be aware that a new relationship always has that rush and high of the “new love” stage. Keep in mind that euphoria will calm down over time, and that is natural and normal. You will move to the “real love” stage where you see the person for completely who they are….faults and all. There are many ways to keep the physical passion alive, but you can’t create it if you never had the physical chemistry to begin with. All committed, loving couples deserve to have a lasting, passionate physical relationship that lasts a lifetime.

2.BEST FRIEND CHEMISTRY: This kind of chemistry allows two people to deeply “get” each other. They naturally understand and feel understood by the other partner. It makes them curious about and respectful of each other’s feelings and opinions. When you have this chemistry, two people share a genuine mutual admiration and they speak of it openly and frequently. This kind of chemistry motivates a couple to stick up for and give one another the benefit of the doubt. Best-friend chemistry leads partners to be excited by each other’s dreams of the future and to laugh at the same things. They completely delight in each other’s company and conversation, which makes them try to include each other in their activities, though they do just fine apart.

To have best friend chemistry means to be able to be your complete and whole self with your partner and you know they will love, respect and honor you. The key word here is that you have the trust to really be yourself around your partner without any fears or concerns.

3.REQUIREMENTS: For relationship success, your partner must also meet your list of Requirements. These are non-negotiable “deal-breaker” traits that you have consciously thought of beforehand. Because of who you are, your strengths, weaknesses, personality, you know that without these certain Requirements, the relationship would not work if it were missing. They are black and white traits with no negotiation. They are so important for your relationship success, that if your partner were perfect in every other way, but was missing just one of your Requirements, you would walk away from the relationship. You already know it couldn’t work. You shouldn’t waste their time or yours. Everyone’s Requirements list is unique to each individual. There is no right or wrong. It’s because of who you are as an individual that determines what Requirements you need in a partner.

What singles often do wrong is create a long list of all the things they want in an ideal partner and they wonder why they can’t find the right person. Their friends tell them they are too picky…and they are. Understanding what your true Requirements are should help you to narrow down the list to approximately 8-10 traits that are not unreasonable to ask for. You’re not being too picky. You just understand what is critical for yourself to be fulfilled and capable to have a lasting relationship. If you find yourself listing items like blond hair, blue eyes, plays the guitar…then think again. Those should be viewed as simply Wants or in other words “wouldn’t it be nice if” traits and not Requirements to have a successful relationship.

Examples of possible Requirements: addiction-free, trusting, open communicator, sense of humor, shared spiritual/religious beliefs, fidelity, romantic, wants children, organized, financial responsibility, honesty, flexibility, shared primary interests, spontaneity, loves animals/pets, independence.

As you create your list, ask yourself “Could this relationship work if this Requirement was missing”? If you answer immediately “no”, and know deep inside that it’s true, then it’s a Requirement. Don’t budge and don’t compromise on your Requirements list. If it’s just a concern or creates and issue but is not a deal-breaker, then it’s a Need. This means you could come up with a win-win solution or compromise and still be happy in the relationship. Create your final list with 3 categories: Requirements, Needs and Wants and be clear on the difference between the three. Remember it’s only your Requirements list that is critical for a happy, forever relationship.

Stay true to this 3-part formula and you will truly have everything you need for the relationship of your dreams.

This article was provided by Val Baldwin, CPC, a professional speaker, TV personality, author and certified relationship coach. For more information, please visit her website at www.valbaldwin.com.

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RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS

by Barbara Ellen Grant, adapted by Val Baldwin

First impressions are everything when a new partner comes into your life. There are some personality types with particular characteristics you should seriously consider avoiding.

It's not all black and white. There could be partners who have more than one of these traits but could still turn out to be a great partner. There could also be partners who don't have any of the traits and can be even worse. You should simply watch out for the types of people that take things to the extreme and make you miserable. A successful relationship is one where both partners understand, respect, care, appreciate and love each other. If you are unhappy more often than satisfied in your relationship, it's better to give serious consideration about moving on before it's too late.

Here are a few warning signs that indicate trouble in the future.

1. Out of a longterm serious relationship less than one year.
   Could indicate potential unresolved baggage. This is the number one complaint with singles. Again and again singles say they are available when in reality they are consumed with something or someone.
2. "Temporary living conditions" seem more long term.
   If they refer to their home as transitional but doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon, they could have potential commitment issues. They may also be the type of person who "plans" on doing all kinds of things with their home, their work, their life?but never gets around to actually doing any of those things. This is the type of person that you see 10 years later and nothing has changed. A good talker but not a good doer. Not great marriage potential.
3. Divorced less than a year but "over it".
   Can you say denial? Really, go back to point #1. Lots of singles think they are available and ready to move forward when in reality they are not emotionally ready. They move right into another relationship and they find themselves conflicted and not able to give what they should to the new relationship. Divorce takes time to truly get over. If it's been less than a year, then the person is fooling themselves when they say they are ready. Proceed with caution in this scenario.
4. Not very reachable by phone.
   With today's technology, it's very unusual to not be available by phone. You have to ask yourself what they might be hiding. Are they married or a possible control freak? Do they really work where they told you? As unfortunate as it may be? there are wackos out there that mislead and hide pertinent information for a variety of reasons. None of these reasons are good. Honesty and integrity is everything for a successful relationship.
5. Says they're in love with you within the first two weeks.
   It's fun to be swept off your feet by a romantic partner who claims their undying love for you quickly. However, most singles have learned that being swept off their feet is dangerous to the heart - the relationship usually does not survive past the initial rush. Things that burn that hot, burn out just as fast. It's best to grow slowly, lightly into a relationship.
6. Financially secure, over 30 and living with his mom.
   Can you say momma's boy? Typically these types of men have their moms help them out with almost everything. His mom is the best person and the perfect woman in the whole world. Having such a partner will bring up one problem, you will never live up to his mother and although he will love and cherish you forever, he will take his mother's side every time. Time and again he will keep comparing you to his mom, no matter what you do.
   
   THE FEMALE VERSION OR MOTHER GOOSE SYNDROME
   is the woman who is constantly fixing your hair and tucking in your shirt. Although she may have good intentions and be great in many others ways, her motherly instincts will eventually be too much to tolerate. You may try to get her to ease up, but if she still cannot resist the urge to stop caring about the tiniest of details, you need to consider if you really want two moms in your life permanently.
7. They prefer spending all their time at the gym
   And talks about their workouts most of the time. They have a lifetime membership at the gym. He has all the latest gadgets and home entertainment systems. Most probably, in such a relationship, you will never see him as he is always down at the gym. He will spend more time in the bathroom then you do.
8. A workaholic and their only "true love" is their work.
   They are going places, but will they be taking you with them? They are always smartly dressed, has great taste in d飯r and eats at the finest restaurants. However, their work will always come first. Maybe you have to make an appointment to see them. They will take you to elegant dinner parties then leave you with strangers while they talk shop.
9. They insist you spend every waking moment with them.
   They refuse to let you go out for yourself or spend any significant amount of time with anyone else. Any kind of explanation of yours needing to spend time with friends and family will only bring up an argument in which you will have to prove your love for them 100 times. Remember, if you can't have a little independence in your relationship, it's never going to last.
10. They have to be the center of everyone's attention.
    No matter where you are or who you are, this partner just begs to be in the spotlight. In order to get attention, they may talk nonstop or maybe too loud, use wild gestures, tell unbelievable stories or tell lame or distasteful jokes or a woman might wear provocative outfits. Will you be able to handle such a stage hog?

This article was provided by Val Baldwin, CPC, a professional speaker, TV personality, author and certified relationship coach. For more information, please visit her website at www.valbaldwin.com. 

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10 Principles To Find The Love Of Your Life
 
If you are waiting around for prince or princess charming to magically appear at your door, you will be waiting a very long time. It takes conscious effort and personal work to prepare yourself for the relationship of your dreams. Follow these 10 tips, and you'll be on your way to find that special someone.

1. Know who you are and what you want.
   Like an iceberg, we are typically aware only of the tip, while our success and happiness depends upon what lies below the surface.
2. Learn how to get what you want.
   Assess the information, tools, and skills you will need and acquire them. Develop creative strategies and actions. "When you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
3. Be the "Chooser."
   Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
4. Balance your heart with your head.
   Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting!
5. Be ready and available for commitment.
   Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.
6. Use the "Law Of Attraction."
   Be the partner that you are seeking. Attract the partner that you want by developing yourself and living the life that you want. "If you build it, they will come".
7. Gain relationship knowledge and skills.
   Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationships classes and workshops.
8. Create a support community.
   Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs.
9. Practice assertiveness.
   To get what you really want, you need to say "No" to what you don't want.
10. Be a "Successful Single."
    Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to attract your ideal partner, is to be living your life fully in every way as a successful single.

Original material copyrighted by Relationship Coaching Institute, adapted by Val Baldwin.
Val Baldwin, CPC, a professional speaker, TV personality, author and certified relationship coach. For more information, please visit her website at www.valbaldwin.com.

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Relationship Readiness Quiz for Singles
 

To assess your readiness for a committed relationship, rate yourself in each of the following 10 areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself. We recommend asking close friends and family for their opinions as well.

Rating scale: Rate each item on a scale from 0-10

8-10:   Good;  this area of my life is strong and would be an asset to my next
           relationship

5-7:   OK;  this area needs work, but most likely would not sabotage my next
           relationship

0-4:   Needs Work;  this area could interfere with the success of my next relationship

1. I know what I want. I have a clear vision for my life and relationship. I can envision my ideal life in detail that feels strong, very real and keeps me motivated. Rating _____
2. I know my requirements. I have a written list of approximately 10 non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me. Rating _____
3. I am happy and successful being single. I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends, and my own company. I am living the life that I want, and I am not seeking a relationship out of desperation and need. Rating _____
4. I am ready and available for commitment. I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow my availability to build a new relationship. Rating _____
5. I am satisfied with my work/career. My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle, and does not interfere with my availability for a new relationship. Rating _____
6. I am healthy in mind, body and spirit. My physical, mental or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good. Rating _____
7. My financial and legal business is handled. I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. Rating _____
8. My family relationships are functional. My relationships with my children, ex, siblings, parents, and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. Rating _____
9. I have effective dating skills. I initiate contact with people I want to meet, and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries, and balance my heart with my head with potential partners. Rating _____
10. I have effective relationship skills. I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate honestly and assertively, negotiate differences positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable and can give and receive love without emotional barriers. Rating _____

Add up your 10 ratings to arrive at your total score. Read below to see how ready you are for a committed relationship.

80-100:   GREEN LIGHT:  You are well on your way to the life and relationship
               you really want.

50-79:    YELLOW LIGHT:  Continue to work on the areas needed and take it slow
               in relationships while doing so.

0-49:      RED LIGHT:  Take a break from seeking a partner, focus on your life and
               prepare for the relationship that you want.

Original material copyrighted by Relationship Coaching Institute, adapted by Val Baldwin.
Val Baldwin, CPC, a professional speaker, TV personality, author and certified relationship coach. For more information, please visit her website at www.valbaldwin.com.

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THE UNIVERSAL LOVE LAWS

SOLVING COUPLE CONFLICTS
10 Steps to a Successful Outcome

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Dating Tips for Men
(from a LDS single's perspective)

 

 

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Avoiding Toxic Traps In Dating Relationships

By Jennifer James, LCSW

 

As a single in the LDS Church, I have to navigate the same waters as all of you in online dating.   I receive many emails from those of you who have read my book and have especially expressed gratitude for Chapter Four, “Toxic Traps In Relationships.”   Many of you have said it’s spared you tremendous heartache and problems in dating.

Recently, however, I’ve realized that we need to be even more self-aware and self-protective as we date, whether local, long-distance, online, or through singles venues.  So, I’ve compiled a few reminder tips to help all of us avoid heart-breaking traps and snares that can cause emotional damage as we date.  Again, some of these ideas can be found in my book “Latter-day Divorce and Beyond: Surviving Singlehood” (2006 Cedar Fort Inc).  Here we go:

1)     Intense/automatic disappointment, hurt, anger or frustrated reactivity on a first date.

If either you or your date become very agitated by failed expectations on a first date, that’s a red-flag.  It’s obvious that there was unrealistic or heightened expectation that did not materialize, which then sends immature or unhealed people into a tail-spin.   They demand to have their fantasy realized and then here you come through the door a normal, average person!!   Wow, how dare you not be Superman or Pamela Anderson’s twin!! LOL!!  If this happens regularly to you (being disappointed by your dates’ appearance) then you may have set your bar much too high. It might be time to grow up and get real?  And, if this happens regularly to you on the basis of others being disappointed in you, then are you deceiving others in your profile?  Take off the 15 year old photo, put a photo less than 6 months old online, give them a body shot so there’s no deception, and own who you are.  If there are things you feel need changing, then do it?

2) Lacking courtesy or consideration on a date. .

Does he help you on with your coat or get your door?  Does she say thank you and notice when you do something nice?   If normal courtesies are missing on a date, it’s very possible that this another red-flag to show you that person hasn’t healed from historic wounds.  It’s hard to be courteous and considerate when you’re angry, bitter, hurt, have a chip on your shoulder, or are frustrated with the opposite sex.   If you have issues with an ex-relationship….heal those issues before carrying them into another one.  It could be affecting your courtesy and kindness!

3)    The sexual/physical elements take over and dominate the relationship too early.

Leading off with sexual innuendo or boasts, seductions, teasing, physical promises, etc might be considered “playful,” but not on a first or second date.   I once met a guy who boasted that his kissing was so HOT that women swooned regularly.  Uh-huh, well, if you have to brag or announce it, chances are the hot air might be the only “hot” thing about them!  That kind of ego is destructive to relationships.   Leave the flirting for when it counts and matters----when a person has shown you, over time, that they care, that you matter, that the relationship is stable and loving.  Then the playfulness can come out, and then it can be genuine and honest affection towards someone who has legitimately captured your heart.   When others come-on to you too quickly or lead off with sexual flirting, count it as a red-flag and watch them closely.  Ask yourself what they’re trying to prove or tell you?  Studies show that this behavior demonstrates insecurity and immaturity.  Are they unsure of themselves, or possibly feel cheated from prior relationships?  Beware when men or women immediately try to seduce you or jump you on a first date, with physical overtures. 

4)    Feeling like a contestant or a judge on a first date.

On that first date, do you feel like you’re on American Idol?  If you’re feeling judged harshly and rather quickly (or perhaps you’re doing the judging?) I’m suggesting that there might be something unhealed going on in the person who is either being a contestant (low self-worth) or being the judge (self-absorbed).   Expectation can be a harsh and unreasonable task-master!   What is that first date for, brothers and sisters?  Is it to measure up or be dumped?   On normal first dates we can be nice, we can be tolerant, we can be kind, and we can leave that person much better than we found them, even if we don’t see a magic eternal future together.   LDS singles can be the cruelest creatures to each other!!   If you come to a first date with a sense of entitlement, that this person better dazzle you, or be the “one” then you have some healing to do!!    What kind of healing needs to happen?   Insecurity, ego, narcissism. 

5)    The first date becomes a commitment.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from LDS singles (and I have experienced myself in dating) is that some men and women are obsessed about defining a relationship by the first or second date.  Many often propose marriage, or suggest a long-term commitment when they hardly know each other!!   When this happens, it’s a red-flag moment.  That person who has an urgent desire to couple is objectifying you!!   They’re not interested in who you are or what you’re about.  They’re just interested in satisfying a need, which often includes forcing or insisting someone get serious with them so they can feel valued or validated.  I’ve also seen some push for exclusivity quickly so that they can seduce someone into rationalizing sexual overtures that are unacceptable for those who are endowed.   If someone suggests, pushes, forces, tantrums, or urges you into a serious relationship after a couple of dates, tell them to take a hike.  Then run fast and hide well.  Healthy relationships do not develop under such manipulative conditions.

  6) If there’s conflict, they BAIL.

There is a cultural myth in the LDS Church that says if you have any conflict in your relationships (dating, marriage, friendships) then those relationships are flawed.  I have even seen couples boast of “never having fought once in our 50 years of marriage….”   Well, show me a couple who hasn’t had a disagreement or a conflict, and I’ll show you a pair who regularly plays bully and passive-victim.  Conflict is healthy in a relationship when there is resolution, and where both parties feel sustained personal power and control.  Find out if your partner has developed the skills of negotiation and dialogue.  Feeling heard and appreciated, creates an atmosphere of trust to solve the difficult issues together, which, in turn strengthens relationships.  When you find that you disagree with a person you are dating, stick around to see how it’s resolved.  Watch how they fight.  Do they manipulate or intimidate or do they stone-wall and avoid?   Are they willing to discuss it to resolution that gives a win-win (or at least a compromise) for both of you?   Or do they give you the silent treatment and are never heard from again?    If it’s the latter, be grateful.  They did you a huge favor to show you their lack of skills in resolving conflict!!

Take these tips with you into your dating so that you can weed out those who bring immediate toxic issues to a new relationship.   I urge the singles I talk with to become pro-active with their mental and emotional health as a single.  Examine and process the historic emotional traumas and hurts that you’ve been through.  Heal those hurts with the help of therapists or counselors so that when you do find that special someone, they won’t be burdened or frightened away by unhealed wounds.

Jennifer James is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LCSW) in Utah, has written the best-selling book “Latter-day Divorce and Beyond: Surviving Singlehood,” and is a popular speaker nationwide at LDS Singles Conferences, Women’s Conferences and Firesides. Visit her website at www.Ldsbrokenwings.com. Copyright 2008 Jennifer James/Ldsbrokenwings

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